Questions of the Soul

My name is Sherrell. I type these posts but did not write them, but I wrote this one in the Spirit. I wanted to share it in case it might help any of you to find the answers to the questions in your souls. This was one of the questions in mine.


It’s so very important to know what your questions are. You think you know when you are troubled what they are, but if you think about it you really don’t. I am not talking about normal questions. I’m referring to questions that linger in your soul. They linger for years. They lay there quietly, and every once in a while when all is still you can feel it beckoning for an answer.
I have had one for years and when in times past I faintly heard it, I chose to silence it once more rather than stop to hear it. Over the last 14 months I’ve been a friend and helper for lack of a better word to a lady I knew that was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Before that I was doing nothing worthwhile with my time but being selfish and not taking care of my responsibilities to their fullest with my husband and my children and other areas of my life that I take for granted rather than appreciate.
In that time I’ve had the most bizarre but praiseworthy thing happen. I found friendships, some deep and some just in passing but every time I have gotten around these people they would impart some wisdom, some thought that would cause me to think about things differently. Most are great examples and some were not. Either way, I listened and picked up all these pieces for safe keeping, considering any piece of wisdom to be priceless.
Slowly as time went by while I was caring for this friend and winging it the best I could with my kids and husband, these little pieces of wisdom would invade my space. Slowly I refused to be preoccupied with the selfish things and slowly I started putting more of my time in at least going through the motions so that I might at least appear to be striving to be a good mom and wife.
Let me share some inside information before I go any further with my confession. When I first heard my friend was diagnosed with cancer, I pondered for a long time about what I would say to her when I saw her. When I decided what I would say, I heard a voice in my soul say to me “Is that for you or is that for her?” The answer of course was for me, so I quickly forgot what I was going to say and decided right then not to say anything at all that wasn’t for her. Then when she was released from the hospital, she called and asked me to give her a ride and when the nurse was telling her in front of me when her first chemotherapy appointment was, she looked so scared and alone and I was moved with love and compassion for her so I did the only thing I could do, I offered to take her to it. Right before I said, “I’ll give you a ride” I heard a voice in my soul say, “You know that once you do this it isn’t a onetime affair, it’s a very long process which will end sadly, are you willing to go that distance?” and I answered back yes. So I did. While walking with her I didn’t go through the motions I meant it. It was important to walk uprightly (the best I could anyway).
The time came for her journey to be over and thank God because it was hard and painful for her. Now I sit unable to move spiritually. As usual though, I am going about my day and I’ve ran into each of my friends at one time or another and there, waiting as usual, was more valuable pieces of wisdom. I picked up all the pieces and started sorting them out in that place where I am unable to move from and then I get an email about choices. (When I respond back in writing to something that moved me, I find that I am usually writing to myself in a way. I typically do not know the things I have written until I read it.) Because of that email I started to realize that I was refusing to hear a question in my soul going through me over and over refusing to let me silence it again.
All my life, even as a child, I had a need to find a noble cause and yet never finding one because of some corrupt thing or another involved in what I thought was a noble cause that turned out not to be or my own inability to put in what it took to get one, either way I never found one. I watched my mother clean the house and that is what she did obsessively and I thought I didn’t want that to end up being my life. Now I know that is what she did to escape the pressures of being a mother because of neglect she suffered as a child, she was unable to deal with those pressures properly so she did what she knew how to do, she cleaned. As a child I didn’t know this of course so to me that was a mother’s lot and I didn’t want any part of it. To strengthen my resolve to this frame of mind, when I was twelve years old it was my responsibility to cook, clean and do laundry because my mother got a job for the first time in her life. I remember she was so excited. Of course she was, it was a new escape and it got her totally away. Don’t get me wrong she loved her children and did the best she could of this I have no doubt.
Trouble and bad choices carried me away and I stopped looking for a noble cause and eventually found myself in need of salvation and there of course was the Lord. He saved me from the wreck I had made of my life. Years go by and through momentary lapses of reason I marry and eventually we find ourselves with children and I find myself with a household and “Mother’s Lot”. Through ups and downs and more bad choices, I was getting lost. I didn’t pray much anymore. I wasn’t happy or thankful in the place I found myself and that nagging feeling in my soul would not leave me alone. I sought escape too. I could barely deal with the pressures of “a mother’s lot” although I loved my children very much. I felt guilty for the things I should give them and couldn’t find it in myself to do. I sought escape in being preoccupied with things that had nothing to do with the kids and barely to do with my husband as well.
I watch my friends and see how they love their children and how they are devoted to their children and knew there was something missing here. Again I love my children very much. They are great. My son is the joy of my life and my daughter is me made over.
Now here I am sitting at the station by myself. I have just seen a friend to her destination (I mean everlasting life, not death) and I am lost again. I have pieces to a puzzle that I can’t get together and I can’t move on for some reason. In answering the email that I received about choices I realize that I have a question in my soul. I didn’t know that only because I constantly chose to ignore it. After reading what I had written in response to this email I was really troubled. I pray and I hear myself say in my soul “what is my question Lord?” and the response was:
If I could be that devoted to a friend in her hour of need and remove my needs out of the mix to make sure that I never added to her burden but lightened it whenever possible why don’t I do that at home with my husband and children? Why don’t I see that raising two wonderful, loving and bright children up in the ways of the Lord in a world like this as a noble cause and a thankworthy purpose? Why am I still seeking for what is already there before me? How can it be changed?
I know it always takes a miracle to completely change one’s perspective and this perspective of mine in regards to a “Mother’s Lot” has been my perspective since I was a child. It will take a miracle but it isn’t the first time the Lord has, in an instant, totally changed the way I think and feel about something.
I thank and praise God for each and every one of my friends who have wandered across my path from time to time imparting some wisdom the Lord knew I needed. I can only hope that they received something from me through the Lord as well.